im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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