She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
