I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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