I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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