If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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