After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
