oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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