I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
