why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
These tits shall not be calmed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
