I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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