I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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