"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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