Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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