Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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