So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize