Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sext me about skeletons
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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