Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
