i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize