I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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