....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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