if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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