dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
