I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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