Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
