I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
its liver damage thursday
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
