Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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