I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
