this beer tastes like vomit already
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
