Barsexuality is the new black.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
