At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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