Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
