The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
