I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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