i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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