Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You need a sexual gate keeper
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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