Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
