The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize