I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
