shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I die, sorry about rent.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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