I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
