Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
