Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Two words: nipple clamps
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