why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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