remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
