3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
