I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
