i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
please don't ironically join a cult
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