the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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