So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
