So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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