You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
