I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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