I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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