You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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