Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Everything about him screamed your future.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
