I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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