The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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