she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
