I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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