So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
